She spoke to me for the first time that night after we made love. I did nothing differently or intentionally to call to her consciously, The Magdalene just came. I was shocked by Her message of unconditional love, a woman like me doesn’t have many times when the touch of God feels so close. Much closer are the offending sensations from which one seeks purification and salvation… Still, because of that I knew Her power that much better, and was able to recognize Her presence with that much more clarity.
I did not know for what I had come to that remote place in the jungle, just that my body, mind, and spirit were singing YES to the invitation. My heart was wide open as I left my place in the valley and trekked over the mountains to reach the sea. As I traveled from my head to my root, I prayed for the miracles meant for me to me made manifest. I knew that what goodness I deserved I could not even begin to fathom, for my ability to desire all together had been cut at its root when I was still just a child. It was the power of this ancient and hardwired NO which allowed me to recognize the YES which drove me to the gathering.
I worshipped the slowness of the journey, I enjoyed traveling for the blessed experience of being in transit, this was the path to the future I had already designed eons ago. The invitation to hurry and worry was there, I had a boat to catch and the bus was stopping so many times, but I surrendered my fears and got to my feet, swaying my hips in the aisle and releasing stiffness to better receive the flow of my unknown dreams being brought to life. I remembered the bliss I did not yet know and created a peace inside myself that tickled me into laughter.
Under the radiance of The One Most High this feeling unfolded into a joy I had never known. I missed the boat, but had a blessed window of “nothingness” to fill with friendly conversation between strangers, a cold coconut, and communion with plant spirits on the beach where I knew that eventually another boat would come to collect me. Swimming in the waters of divine love, She was all around me but I could only see Him. In my immersion, there was so much beauty to celebrate and I enjoyed the shift in perception my prayers had created. The timing of my journey to the place where the sun meets the sea could not have been better, a fact proven to me when it was revealed that I could catch a ride to the farm on the boat carrying groceries for the weekend. I had been on my way all along…
Never-before-known stillness gave way to never-before-known self-love, as I met soul after soul who shone with appreciation for my presence and beingness. This recognition spiraled me both inwards and outwards into new heights of hope and faith, the fruition of a seed planted six and a half months prior. There on the beach, surrounded by iconic leaders of the field I had been dreaming of stepping into, I was so filled up with love that I couldn’t even eat the gorgeous meal I had arrived just in time to receive. I hardly had time to enjoy my surprise private yurt with all the garden-touring, permaculture-workshopping, and ecstatic dancing to be had.
As the moon waxed to fullness, I couldn’t help remembering six moons ago when I was granted the dubious gift of new eyes to see. Funny enough, it had been after a journey to these same shores when the ugliest places inside of me were the first things I identified with these new eyes. I did not know enough to blame the eyes which saw the harm that had been done to the child in me, and only briefly did I blame anyone for the traumas I found there. Somehow, I knew I was being held by Her, being guided to open more. The unfolding I experienced on this Weekend of Rooting began without ceremony or celebration when I abruptly cracked as my old paradigm of safety fell away in a brutal splintering that left me raw and motionless.
I am writing this as the sun rises, seeking words to grasp the indescribable rise to power which stoked the flame that burns so brightly with me now.
The external circumstances are the easiest to point to, the outer beings are always the simplest targets, after ourselves. Why do I need to explain? Who needs to know how I found reason to discard my dad, found a father, and was granted my first true experience of feeling held? What purpose does it serve to explain how it felt to find earthly love after surrendering my attachment to the same?
A black cat comes out of the night and lurks out of reach. Disturbed and afraid, but powerless against the perceived threat, my kitten howls at the window. All he can do is express his discontent. Crouched in fear, action is as out of reach as this unwelcome visitor on our porch, all I can do is distract him from the illusion of danger.
As the sun rises and brings peace to our hillside home, I feel chills. Pausing to reflect, I am soothed and stilled by awe at the beauty and perfection of how 1+1=3.
Now I can see the true and beautiful power of divine alchemy. I feel the resonant vibration of my high heart that was activated, not just by the opening I gave myself permission to know, not just by the integration I chose afterwards, either. This full-body knowing of the Unified Divine came to me as masculine and feminine all at once. I ascended to new heights of love where my peace and joy became ecstatic inner-outer union. When the new day dawned, I chose to flow, not even aware of a detachment from any outcomes, so perfect was my beingness. My only pause through the night that became day was to observe my body’s response to the invitation to flow. Like all the containers, cups, and sinks that had been overflowing in my life in the weeks leading up to the Gathering, I became a vessel overflowing with love.
I feel it is important to note that it was not the love external which overflowed me first. What filled me to overflowing was my Self, the love within. Six months before, it was this font that first overflowed me and proceeded to reveal the sludge of untilled depths. The love of self is not an immediately serene act. There is a neutrality to this flow which does not only select beauty to reveal. Love, the true kind, is unconditional and will flow around all it encounters. The church bells from the town below ring to emphasize this point: the purification of such a flow is immaculate.
It is only possible to extract and weed out the darkness by surrendering to its presence. The sun, or The One Most High, always rises to destroy it.
The bells are ringing again, they sing to me now, be still and know, He is risen.
I give my whole life to honor this love. I honor the freedom of each one I meet to choose His love in their own way. I don’t need to be the one who knows what is right or wrong for others, I just know what is right for me. I know it is good and wonderful to see the God all around me and to celebrate His love by not isolating it in any single form, even masculine or feminine. I know it is beautiful to see how His loving embrace can shed inhibitions and doubt while bringing peace. I celebrate the pure light that shines on me which comes both from within you, my friend, and the sun, too. This is the love I honor, the unconditional expression of Life that flows between two people as easily as it flows across time and space from the central star of the cosmic system to the wondrous body of Tierra Sophia, our home. I honor the love that opens flowers, melts away hardness, and warms flesh, the heat that transforms and creates newness through flame. I cannot help it that my body craves this love, it is only a biofeedback device. And yet, I am not powerless to know love, the pure light, for it flows from within as it does from without. I honor the love without isolating it to one single expression, as I do not isolate it to a single being. It is in you as it is in her as it is in me. It is in light as it is in dark. I cherish both expressions, for the are equal, they are one.
The Glory and Goodness cannot be known except by this unified focus, this is the diamond in the lotus, the culmination of movement and stillness to form the Peace that Passeth All Understanding. I am forgiven for ever forgetting, for it is in being lost that I am found. This journey home has been the most beautiful, terrible, lovely, awful experience, giving rise to a knowing which surpasses all earthly expressions and exceeds the limitations of time and space. Human form melds into union with consciousness, that which is formless and conditionless. We call this unconditional love to distinguish it from the illusions we have accumulated and attached to the earthly expression of All That Is which is perfect beyond words. Certainly someday we will know the pureness without the filters.
To be a child of God is to have this right, to be endowed with access to the unfiltered, unqualified, direct knowing of Love. I am grateful and so blessed to be present with this inner knowing. May all beings everywhere know it too, and may my life be a part of the anchoring of this knowing for all beings everywhere across all space and time.
For all my relations, and so it is.